I, am turning 18 this year. &boy am I in a rut!

X
X
despite lastyear being nothing short of an utter whirlwind its like whoa, where the fuck did all the time go yknw? alot has changed. I, have changed more than I ever thought possible. I started this post declaring my current.. inability to move backwards/forward with anything in life with yes, a kazillion reasons and elaborations behind it but the main underlying reason is well, I honestly DO NOT know where my life is headed as of right now.
X
X
yes, on january 11th 2010, at 1:36am, I naomi paige hon, do not know what the hell Im doing/goingtodo with my life.
X
X
its funny yknow. you growup with all these dreams.. mine consisted of living short, colorful lives in sparkling cities all over the world. to be classy and artsy-fartsy, sipping on hotchocolate smoking longfiltered cigarretes eating croissants in the heart of Paris, to be sexy and crazy, rocking the underground scene with my housemate who shared a pretty apartment in Newyork, to be content with life, writing my memoir in my rose garden as I lookedon at my beautiful grandchildren in England. I aspired to be all these different people!
X
X
but with age, comes responsibilities as well as coldhard-cutthroat reality.
X
X
putting aside all those wild dreams that seemed so vivid I could literally taste them on my tongue, highschool is OVER. Ive floated from groups of friends to groups of friends and I could go on forever about the people Ive met/lost, the things weve been through and what each of them have taught me, but I wont do that. Ive silently kept every memory, every lesson learned in my heart. I truly believe Ive been thru alot more than the average girl has, and its taken me a long time to be able to say this, but I thank God for the life Ive lived so far. cheers to all the boys who have broken my heart. cheers to the toxic friends I consensually disposed from my life. cheers to those who have labelled me. cheers bitches! pain teaches you so much, you have no idea. without the shit Ive experienced and shittimes ive been thru, I wouldnt have been able to find the strength to handle the NEXT shit that came my way.
X
X
clubbing partying drugs slutting? been there, *yawn* done that.
X
X
I dont know how exactly it happened, but Ive MOVED ON. the reason I let myself sink so low lastyear was because I didnt have respect for myself, or for the people I love. I disgraced my heart and body. my selfworth was at an ultimate low but I shielded it well. the deeper I got into the whole scene, the more people I met and afterawhile the glamor wore off. the people I knew, were going NOWHERE in life. and I? refused to let myself become one of them. so 3months prior to SPM, I stayed home. I studied. I resisted temptation and it was hard at first, but after meeting my current boyfriend, everything just got easier with him in my life.
X
X
4months 17days later and here I am.
X
X
the boyfriend I mentioned? yeah, hes pretty much my world now. Ive graduated from highschool, my parents are pushing me to decide 'what I want to do with the rest of my life' and with no license, no grades to worry about, my days have become progressively desolate. time's a tickin' and I know by right I shouldve had my post-SPM life craefully planned out like the rest of my friends but hell, I dont know okay! is the fact that I havent picked out a college so damn hard to believe? what I wouldnt give to be able to like, freeze time.
X
X
I wakeup every morning hoping that when my head hits my zebra-striped pillow at night,
X
X
.. the questions Ive been vying for would have come to me by then. that by the end of the night I can sleep soundly KNOWING how/what/where/when. but for the past month or so, the only SURE thing Ive been going to sleep with at night.. is my love with Derrick Alexander Nathan. our love, is something I can depend on. it is the one SURE thing in my life and I couldnt be more thankful for the strength, the stability, Everything this boy has given me in the past 5-6 months. so everynight, I go to sleep thanking God for giving me a boy like him who loves and accepts me for everything I am, everything I was, and everything Im going to be. I just so badly wish I could go to sleep at night knowing every OTHER aspect in my life was as secure as my current relationship!
X
X
but for now,
X
X
.. I guess what Im doing is stretching this current duty-less, goal-less thing as far as I can. yes, I AM aware that I cant be a lazy slob forever more and continue to put my entire future on hold like this but its like, Im comfortable with everything I have right now, the kind of lifestyle I lead, and all the people in my life- so why make all the cibai drastic desitions NOW? eventhough its worrying sometimes, all this freetime is enjoyable on the most part! everyone started 2010 hoping for changes. I, have made all the changes I want months ago so the whole ' new-year-new-clean-slate ' thing didnt really hit me for the first time in years. Im not READY for college life, Im not READY to adjust to being able to drive myself around, im not READY for all these changes everyones so damn excited about!
X
X
.. so how?!
X
X
X
xxx