[EDIT///]
January 28th '10
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against all odds, I forgave him and got back together with him 2days ago.
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I told him Im willing to forgive and forget, if he made a few changes for me. but I guess his typical fashion is kicking in as I have yet to see these changes. weve only been back together for a couplve days, but I am exhausted already. this is his one last chance and hes blowing it without a care in the world, not making any effort at all. it is suffocating being in a relationship with someone you love so much but dont trust.
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I am trying with all my might and will but to no avail. why dont just leave him, you ask? the truth is im a coward. those 2days without him were liberating, and the world seemed so much bigger with so many possibilities- but without him by my side everything, everything I swear seemed so scary. I was immobile. and come to think of it, I still am. I am not strong enough to leave him, and I am not strong enough to be without him.
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both options cause tears and rob me of my sleep, my appetite, my happiness.
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to my avid readers, youd know how the second a boy hurts me I am out of there- I have never done this to myself. I have never literally allowed someone to hurt me this much and get away with it. he still continues to hurt me, right down to this very second and I am hanging on a string when you love someone you give them all of you. I truly did. I have never given a boy this much in my life, and after him I dont think I ever will.
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I wish there was a sureshot way of knowing where the next few days will take him and me.
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whenever things were bad between me and him, I always settled knowing he is WORTH the fight, that he is worth everything. I mean, isnt everything else you love in life worth fighting for, too? but I do not know anymore. I am exhausted. and the best part is he isnt doing a single thing to convince me to stay, to keep fighting. he leaves it at "I know Im fucked up" and thats it. if he really loved me as much as he says he did he would be giving it his all. yet even now, Im doing all the fighting. I want him to fight for this relationship for a change and no, thats not selfish of me at all cause I deserve atleast that after everything hes done.
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does love REALLY triumph all?
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now that Ive left you ;
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• maybe youd start loving my loud laugh instead of trying to hide your embarrassed face from me when we're out, making me feel obliged to apologize when Im at my happiest.
  

• maybe youd regret all those ' joking ' comments you made about my inability to diet/my 'fats' causing me to be unable to eat right or even look at myself properly in the mirror after without feeling low and too fat for you.

• maybe youd start appreciating the fact I waited up, for countless nights that sometimes wentup to 5hours on you to come home no matter how tired I was just to make sure you were okay eventhough you always fell asleep onthephone all but 10mins into the call.

• maybe youd finally have something to say instead of mumbled halfhearted apologies, for that time I foundout you were laughing about how " my girlfriends asleep edi, she thinks im doing homework/showering/sleeping, faster lets ____(insert activities you did behind my back, here) " to your friends- all those lies, those things you did behind my back and how you LAUGHED at me for getting away with it makes me literally wince whenever I think about it.
  

• maybe youd realize I actually savedup and sacrificed just to buy you all those things I did, that after some big buys for you I sometimes didnt have cash to eat but I never told a soul.

• maybe youd realize how you had the habit of ordering things off the menu, and how I always ended up paying for you eventho you didnt even ask permission or thank me after.

• maybe youd realize how sad the fact that I willingly spent around RM900+ on you throughout our 5month relationship is, when you spent less than RM100 on me- its not like I date boys expecting cash but it hurts how I can sacrifice for you and you dont bother doing the same for me.

• maybe youll miss me going to DU all the way from Gasing every other day, and tagging along with you and your friends to wherever complaint-free from day to night, just to be able to spendtime with you, instead of feeling like I was a burden for holding you back from Dota-ing etc at 4am whenever I was too tired to even walk right.

• maybe youll actually miss hugging me to sleep instead of complaining your arms hurt and that you can never sleep comfortably with me.

• maybe youll regret all those times you snapped and shouted at me so loud people stared, for the smallest of things, making me feel like the most pathetic girl in the world whenever we were out and you were in a bad mood.

• maybe youd miss me attempting to dressup for you, instead of making weirdedout faces and asking ' yerh bi why you wearing that? ' making me feel semiconscious and ugly for the rest of the day.

• maybe youll regret never once telling me I was pretty, never once complimenting me for the 7months Ive known you, when in turn I always made it a point to whisper how much I loved each of your flaws because I never wanted you to feel bad about yourself.

• maybe youll holdon to the things I gave you with more care, like littlenotes, gifts I sacrificed to get for you, the letters I wrote you, or the old schoolnotes I dug up to help you with your studies instead of chucking them aside like garbage all over your room.

• maybe youll realize just how many friendships Ive ruined for you, cause I completely stopped going out with 80% of my friends whom are guys as I knew in my heart youd either start an argument, get insanely jealous or start yet another fight.

• maybe youd miss opening/closing doors for me + pulling chairs for me, instead of frequently forgetting, making me being forced to risk sounding like a brat, having to remind you numerous times how those tiny gestures can make my day.

• maybe youd see how horrible you were to jumpup, push me aside just to answer a call/reply someone on MSN right smack in the middle of a cuddling/makeout session EVERYSINGLETIME- leaving me hanging there like that feeling like shit, as if whoever the fuck was talking to you was more important than me.

• maybe youd think twice before breaking my sister and her boyfriend up, by feeding him linebyline on HOW TO breakup with her, convincing him when he wasnt even sure, EVENTHO my sister had ALWAYS helped you with me, calling me all the way from Singapore to talk me into forgiving you as a favor to you.

• maybe youd realize just how it hurt all those times something you did made me unable to to eat/sleep for a fewdays in a row, making me immobile at home, crying like a stupid bitch- over something you didnt care enough to realize you did until it was too late, and how suffocated, how BACKBONELESS you made me feel cause youd always promise me youd ' change ' and Id believe you, for the hundredth time praying to God youd stop letting me down, stop hurting me.
  

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... maybe, youd realize just how much I love you to have been able to put up with all of the above, and more.

& maybe baby derrick, I might not come back to you this time around.
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xxx